I've been working with students of all ages for very close to twenty years. I'm often asked how I am able to relate to students, especially teenagers. Some adults want to invest in the lives of students, want to develop relationships with them. But they just don't know how.
They tell me that it's difficult to build relationships with students because they just can't relate to them (or perhaps the student can't relate to the them). It's more than a generational gap. What we have here is a failure to communicate.
I want to help. I really do. I spend quite a bit of time with students. I'm in their schools, their homes, their hangouts. For some I'm an acquaintance. Others treasure me as a friend. I'm meeting students at different levels all of the time. I can sense when they are wary of adults and authority. I can tell when they feel vulnerable and raise emotional barriers to protect themselves. Whether it's their pain, their doubts, or just growing up in the informational age they have their feet more firmly planted than we did at their age. Perhaps being raised on video games and YouTube, this generation is not satisfied with merely watching life images go by, they are looking to active participators rather than passive recipients.
This is new territory for a lot of adults. The rules of changed and so must we. It's us, the adults, parents, student workers that need to acknowledge the changes. In fact, we either change or we lose them. I think in order to be more effective in working with students, we must be more significant. And in order to become significant with students, we've got to connect with them.
I believe our students have a lot to learn from those older than them. But I also believe (and this may be part of the issue) that us adults have a lot to learn from our students.
Connecting is the key. It is the bridge that spans the chasm of unfamiliar space, creating a path that meets somewhere between both lives, building a relationship. If I were to define what I mean by connecting, I would say this:
Connecting is a process by which two lives intersect in such a way that it binds them together.
There will be a number of posts dedicated to this topic. I spend a lot of my time working with adults who work with or want to work with students. I want to help them not only build a relationship with their students, but to connect with them. Connecting goes much deeper.
Throughout this series, I'll explore five markers within connecting. I believe along the way to deepening our relationships to the point of binding together there are some things we can watch for, strive for.
Beginnings: Our initial contact, the awareness of first impressions, and the start of a new relationship. This is the starting point from which all relationships must emerge. It is also a source of history that will lend strength, a vantage point from which to see your progress.
Breakthroughs: Experiences that move us from an acquaintance to a friend. These episodes bring new understanding to the relationship. A greater awareness of shared events causes us to trust and open up to the other person.
Bonding: Ties begin to grow stronger with a deeper sense of caring and belief in the other person. There is a cementing of the relationship. It begins to branch out and create a life of its own.
Building: Adding value, developing the other person to reach their potential. There is a sharpening of each other as we trust at deeper levels and are able to constructively share in improving each other's lives.
Blessing: A kinship develops - the other person become a valuable part of your life. There is a level of significance that can only be achieved as you walk through the struggles of life together. The connection carries with it such strong devotion that your very lives would be given for the other.
As we begin to walk through the idea of developing connecting relationships, I must warn you that it's a slow process. I am mindful of the words of Rosa Luxemburg who remarked,
"There is no royal road to anything. One thing at a time, all things in succession. That which grows fast withers as rapidly; that which grows slowly endures."
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